A long time coming

So much has happened that I really should’ve been better at recording on this blog. So much with D, J, my family, and mostly me.

I’ve been so confused about life that I’ve started doubting my ability to make decisions. Which is silly. Only I know what it is that I want. It’s been nice having a good sounding board - however horribly I’ve treated him. It’s easy to get frustrated when things aren’t easy. And combine that with a long (enough) distance relationship and shit goes south sometimes.

This issue with school has been frustrating. However much I want to say I didn’t like it, if I could be in school the rest of my life, I would. I did pretty well, even if I didn’t put in as much effort as I should’ve. So I had this big epiphany - perhaps me not finding a job is happening for a reason.
Drum roll please...

I’m supposed to be back in school. I’m researching all I can about going back to school to become a teacher. A teacher of what you ask? Good question. I’m still debating K-6, or Health Education...am I settling for one? Should I (is it possible) to do both? How long will this take? How will I get through this with D., with J., with my life in general. I need to get a job to support myself in the short term. As much as I hate this - I think I have to do retail (gag, puke, choke) or something mindless to work around school.

In the meantime...I’m finding my way out of this black hole I’ve created. I’ll get there. Someday. What a journey. I have to remember Rome wasn’t built in a day. I need to remember that even though I didn’t go A to B...that I had fun and I learned lessons and I’ve loved and lost and triumphed. Life shouldn’t scare you - it should excite you. In the end I’ll make the right decision - for me, for my son, for my family.

Promises, promises

It's been far too long. I have a long post swirling around in my head. It's been swimming in there for weeks. I promise tomorrow I'll get it out of there and write it out here - after the workout and before the Bug's school sing-a-long.

Promise. Pinky Promise.

Jobs...

I wish I had one - really - I feel so helpless. It's hard to put faith in something when I keep getting my hopes up then let down. At least I'm not interviewing - at all. UGH!!!!

In brighter news - It's my last week of classes. Sweet.

The Gift

The perfect gift. Really? A birthday the same month as Christmas? It just isn't fair! I mean, I've had to go through this my whole life with my mom...and now with a boyfriend? Yikes! And not just any boyfriend, not one who a simple sweater or latest gadget would do...I have a boyfriend who's far more clever and creative than that (or deserves more than that - he'd be grateful for whatever I get).

The icing on this gift-quest problem? He's off somewhere doing something for a Christmas surprise for me! I really feel like an ass. Don't get me wrong - this isn't the first I've looked or thought about what-to-do (then I'd really win girlfriend from hell)...I just feel like I'm hitting dead ends. It'll be great - at least I already have the Christmas idea covered!

No stress...really....

Cheers and Jeers

I've been failing miserably at posting in any sort of regular pattern. I'm on the hunt for a job, fighting colds, being a good mommy, and a friend to those in need.

Here are my thoughts:
Yay Obama! Boo to the ecomony! Yay for silly movies that give me a mid-week break (and a hot date!) Boo for job hunting - alongside the countless others that have currently lost their jobs! Yay for only a few weeks left in the semester! Boo to losing my health insurance at the end of said semester!

Lots more dishes to do...and I'm still a week behind on reading my essays...

A bad pun, food and love...

The list of things I've yet to do is so long, I thought I'd make a list of things that are done:

1) Had a wonderful "ketchup" breakfast with friends (get it? ketchup/catch-up? ha!)
2) Found more of our Halloween costumes (I cannot wait to post the pics after my Bros party!)
3) Said goodbye for two days to the most wonderful man I've ever been in-love with and got incredibly choked up...between the teary good-bye and thinking about the beach ball kiss, it's amazing how deep my feelings run!
4) Made cookies with Bug - this was interesting...short cuts all over the place. Making cookies with a 5 year old, one needs to lower their expectations of uniformity, especially on frosted sugar cookies with sprinkles. However, I taught him the valuable lesson of never returning a plate to a neighbor empty!
5) A shopping trip to M*chael's - new scissors, yarn, needles, and a nice time with the Bug. He even earned a trip to go look at the critters next door!
6) An Irish Cream coffee from a local shop where Justin will be playing Saturday.

And now...on to watch M*nster's Inc with the Bug, a tickle shower, a few great stories and a teary phone call to end my weekend.

PS - Someday seems really far away today - but I still have faith. A lot of faith!

Index Card Hell

This is where I'm currently residing. I never studied this much in undergrad before (to put it bluntly, my brilliance and talent at bullshit always carried me through!), but this stuff is hard. Harder by the quiz, exam, midterm...

Back to the piles...I wish I were working. Even brain-numbing monotony would be welcome at this point.

Tests

This morning I got a text from J. ("...have you purchased your study guide yet?") Alas, my laziness is getting the better of this pipe dream to complete grad school some decade in the near future! The answer to that question was a "no, but..." my favorite of all replies!

Guess what came in the mail today? A lovely company sponsored GR* CD study guide! It apparently comes free with your astronomical registration fee. It's still in it's shrink wrap mocking me as I post this, but it's in my possession.

I'm thinking about all this prep work for something I don't really know how it will all come to be. I suppose this is where the concept of faith - in oneself and in others comes into play. How does anyone get an advanced degree with a child to raise. By anyone, I mean a Mom. Yes, I have a pretty nifty support system near and far, but in the end - it's my ass that's responsible for pick-ups and drop-offs. It's me that has to listen to endless questions about the latest in high tech alien cartoons. And it's me that feels eternally guilty I'm making all the wrong choices about every.single.decision in his life. He does have a dad, right? Why do I feel so burdened? Is this self-imposed? I just wish it didn't feel so crazy. I think when I'm back on a path I want to be on it may feel better. But I have to remember to like my life as it is - not as I wish it to be...I've fallen in that trap far too many times!

Decision Making, Part Deux

Here it is: I hate speech language pathology. I went to this program because it was the easiest way to go back to school without taking my GRE...I am learning, that the easiest is not always the best.

When one makes decisions about school...is it best to throw caution and student loans to the wind? When one thinks about a three year plan that seems like complete boredom, it is perhaps best to stop banging your head on the wall long enough to listen what it really is your soul wants from you.

That soul-filled voice crept in my head in the middle of washing the conditioner out of my hair this morning. I want to be a smarty-pants...the kind of smarty-pants that uses her talents for the good of the people. I'm not talking speech pathology, this stupidly obsessive path I've created as of late. I'm talking elbows deep in activism...shouting from the rooftops all the injustices; making plans to change the machine; filling the impressionable minds of young people with stories that inspire and create peaceful, sophisticated solutions to our problems.

Now off to search for jobs...or take some MORE time to grab a flashlight and search the cave of my soul once again! Ideas on whether I should stick the semester out people?

The key to Enlightenment is in my dryer

I have many blog posts swirling inside my brain. I'm going to start with this one, because if I don't start somewhere, I won't start...

I made an actual decision. I had access to (loaned) money, to my own research skills, to a pro/con list and a delightfully cute sounding board. I MADE my OWN decision. One that I will live with and be happy with (or not) and I'm incredibly proud of myself.

Sunday, ex decides he wants his washer and dryer back. I say, sure, whatever. Monday, I'm determined to get my own. My very own washer and dryer. Can we say adult? I hit the pavement first thing after class and discover that this is going to be at least a couple hundred dollars MORE than I was expecting. Deep breaths. Then, I meet M. in S*ars...she is a stellar saleswoman, and actually found me a dream mix-match set that I really love. It totals $900 without delivery, whips, vents, etc (this is starting to sound kinky...hehe). I tell her to hold them (thanks, J.V.) and go look at W*lson's. Here, I'm greeted by the service manager, J, who tries to up sell me, and I flat out refuse. I get a washer/dryer set for $600 and change. Including delivery. Not at all the set I dreamt of, but a set I can use and more important: I can afford.

The process of decision making has never been my strength. I'm the friend who says, "whatever you want," the girlfriend who "doesn't care. Really." But I do care, I do have wants and needs. I've put myself on the backburner long enough. I'm slowly realizing that taking care of myself doesn't mean pissing everyone around me off. It doesn't mean that everyone will hate me. This may start with a dryer...but it's going to be something really good...or at least fluffy and dry.

To be continued...

Whirlwind life...all around. I'll update soon, I pinkie promise! In the meantime...know that this picture...is going to have a great story behind it! Topics to be blogged upon:
* End of working
* Starting school
*M[a]tch....and more!

Phone call

On my way to the movies (St*pbrothers, funny if you like that kind of humor. I do!) I call Drew, who is at my mom's for the week (SWEET!). The first thing he says when he gets to the phone is this:

"Mom, guess what? (what?) Grammy and Poppa aren't divorced like you are."

I think if it weren't so darn cute, I'd probably feel bad. See, my Dad just got appointed to two new churches, so he lives in a separate parsonage from my Mom for half the week. Dad was coming over for dinner (which is something K and I do fairly regularly to keep the peace)...Bug asked my Mom if Poppa was staying and when she said no, he asked her if they were divorced.

I love the way Bug is starting to check out the connections around him.I didn't wish he knew about divorce before he was 5, but this was the right choice for us. I think gentle honesty is working out just fine for our family, however screwed up we may be!

The cryptic post (in case you thought I was sane)

I have too much in my head right now to form complete thoughts. I need to find true north and start walking...so much change is going on. I'm figuring out more about myself during each transition, but my head feels like it's going to implode soon...

I can't imagine what I was like a few years ago, why all of these questions are popping up now. What or why caused the addictions I have...more soul searching...and finding some time to do that.

Sorry, body. Sorry, mind. I'll do my best to protect you better...

The Mommy Files

My brother's wedding was over a month ago. I am posting this picture so I can vent about being a Mommy, a single one at that. A precursor to this rant is that yes, I know I am blessed to have a wonderful, beautiful, mostly happy little boy. Yes, I know I'm blessed to have an ex-husband that for the most part understands and supports me as a parent. Yes, I know I only have ONE child...but here I go:

The Bug...is oh-so-whiny. Whyyyyyyyyy? I wannnnnnnnt that!!!! It seems every other sentence out of his mouth is a whiny complaint or command or demand. I've tried being extra happy and making things into a game. I've tried to threaten time outs (and followed through). And even though I promised myself I never-ever would - I've spanked his little behind (which, FYI really only leads to more and louder whining and crying). Now, this little guy has been through more than most 5 year olds: his parents split up before Christmas; first his Dad got a new place; he's out of a structured daycare/preschool setting; and now I have a new place.

I understand his world has been flipped upside down and back again. So has mine - and I don't whine (ok, I realize I'm kind of whining now...suck it up, you chose to read this). I always thought as a parent I would develop a close relationship with my child. I would be the one they want to share things with and talk to. It seems the Bug has other plans. Plans that include the computer and DVD's...and when he doesn't get access to those, he whines...and I've created this. Crap! I'm trying to make an effort to be more involved - but then that incessant whining starts and I want to crawl under the covers and sleep for days.

Perhaps this all seems overwhelming because I'm with him so.damn.much! I decided to avoid daycare costs I would take him to work and also work from home. I thought this would be such a fabulous idea - and honestly, 80% of the time it really is. It's just when I hear that certain decibel my skin crawls.

Then, in the morning I wake up to see his still warm body snoozing away (yes, next to me, because I suck as a parent and he likes to sleep with me) and I remember when he was little and how I thought I would never get any sleep. I remember when he learned to crawl and walk and I thought he'd never stay in one place again (I'm kinda right on this one). I remember when he was potty training and I thought he'd never make it. And so I have to think - this whining won't last forever - some day, this clingy boy will grow to be a teenager - who wants little to do with his bad ass Mama.

Right now, that sounds delightful.

I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair...

So who knew Rodgers and Hammerstein had some good advice:

If a man don't understand you
If you fly on separate beams
Waste no time, make a change
Ride that man right off your range
Rub him out of the roll call
And drum him out of your dreams

I don't really want to blog about the exact details - let's just say, I'm older and wiser. I'm done wasting my time on hopeless causes. Oh, and what is it about men with dead mothers (RIP) being drawn to me - am I that good a Mommie? God help me!

I'm looking forward to all the excitment I never knew dating brings. Even with the drama, it's nice not to dive head first without looking to see if there is water filling the pool.

I'm going off the rails...

I can't decide what I want to purge first: my emotions or my weight issues - when I was thinking about what to post, both of them popped into my head together - yet as separate posts. I think I'll combine them for a fun whirl-wind ride on my crazy train. I don't want this to become a blog dedicated to weight-loss (how my last one ended up), nor do I want this to become anything but healing for me...however, I think this post is going to have to come up sometime or another.

I have been dealing with this idea of weight loss (seriously) for the last 2 years. I couldn't have stayed with W*W* as long as I did without J. When I reached my lifetime goal, I was so excited. I was also terrified that I wouldn't stick with it - and I didn't. You know what? I'm STILL here! I'm STILL OK, I'm STILL me... I liked my weight then...I like it now too, for different reasons...It isn't even about the weight - 15 pounds. It's about how I feel (can I just say - my least favorite cliche ever?) This weight issue will never end - I just wish it wasn't so.much.work.

So what is it about? Glad you asked - Dealing with this life has been such a gift. So many lessons to learn, choices to make, etc...I've done things I didn't think I could do - over and over! Why do I consistently over-think things? Every time I make a "plan" the universe laughs at me...and tips me upside down again. So, I'm re-learning my thinking - I'll take a deep breath, make a plan, tear up the plan, and dive in where I need to go. That has worked wonders on the school thing, parenting, and the apartment. I need to practice a little harder at letting go on this relationship thing.

My plan:

• To stay single for the summer and itemize all the wonders that are me!
• To really look at why I want the people I want
• To let go - and dive in...

Brothers & Sisters

It's a tad f'ed up that my ex has now turned into my Bro...yet it works. We're even telling Mom on each other.

In brighter news: I'm travelling (as is the Bro, but separately) to said Mom's house to see Bug. I miss him terribly...like, I might actually go faster than the speed limit even though it's going to drain my gas like mad miss him!

Techno-love

Dating: When do you know you're ready to begin dating again? Is it when you realize you're waking up lonely? When you are horny? When you just need someone to laugh with during the funny part of W.eeds? Perhaps when you no longer wake up in agony over whether you made the right choice or not?

According to several friends and coworkers, doing it (finding someone) online no longer has all that social stigma attached to it as it once did. I'm not sure I buy into that - I think that people judge everyone. We judge where people get coffee, buy groceries, what they wear and how much they pay for gas: why wouldn't we judge where or how they met their partner? I will give the "pros" their props: Online dating is a streamlined, organized way of cutting to the chase. I've already fallen "madly in-love" with a few well written profiles. After perusing the personals at several sites, however - what are people thinking when they post some of these pictures? Example: one man posted a picture of him in his football gear. Wouldn't be so bad, if it weren't circa 1987!

I raise my glass to those who have found love on the web. I'm smitten by the ease (not expense, mind you - damn!) of it all, in the meantime, I'll keep lurking on those sites - until my gut tells me I'm finally ready.

Give me your hands, if we be friends

Midsummer Night's Dream...I woke up this morning, with new knowledge (thank you, books) of an old idea that if a woman were to wipe the dew of the Midsummer Day on her face, she will grow to be even more beautiful than the year before. I figured it can't hurt - I walked out my back door, down my steps. I tried to find a flower or a tree leaf with dew - no success. So I wiped my hands over the blades of grass and put them up to my face. When I looked around (to see if anyone was watching) I noticed, for the first time, how lucky I was to have this tiny patch of green space in the middle of my busy street. How quiet it was back here - with a shed and fences for privacy, a bird feeder from my old house, a space to grow things.

Midsummer doesn't represent the middle of summer to us, it's traditionally recognized as the middle of the growing season. How many things could I begin to grow here? Tomatoes, lettuce, cucumbers? A chance to create, to nurture a living thing into something better than it was and good for me! Too late for this year, perhaps, but already, I think that Midsummer dew is working...

Getting it all out my head

Turning the page, she reads old words - written in her own hand - but who is she now? Surely not the same woman she was then. Divorce is an ugly word - a long process, a deep division of things: possessions; emotions; memories. Yesterday, it would have been 6 years. I was so lonely last night - I created a bed partner - not of plastic - but out of the images in my head of years of wonderful lovers. I wanted a snuggle - canoodling, remember that?

Oh the choice I've made for my life. Such a divide - the right thing, with such harsh consequences. I do enjoy this new freedom...creating a dinner of cereal and J*nior M*nts; reading until my eyes are droopy at night; curling up with Bug whenever the mood strikes.

I am going to be fine.