This morning I got a text from J. ("...have you purchased your study guide yet?") Alas, my laziness is getting the better of this pipe dream to complete grad school some decade in the near future! The answer to that question was a "no, but..." my favorite of all replies!
Guess what came in the mail today? A lovely company sponsored GR* CD study guide! It apparently comes free with your astronomical registration fee. It's still in it's shrink wrap mocking me as I post this, but it's in my possession.
I'm thinking about all this prep work for something I don't really know how it will all come to be. I suppose this is where the concept of faith - in oneself and in others comes into play. How does anyone get an advanced degree with a child to raise. By anyone, I mean a Mom. Yes, I have a pretty nifty support system near and far, but in the end - it's my ass that's responsible for pick-ups and drop-offs. It's me that has to listen to endless questions about the latest in high tech alien cartoons. And it's me that feels eternally guilty I'm making all the wrong choices about every.single.decision in his life. He does have a dad, right? Why do I feel so burdened? Is this self-imposed? I just wish it didn't feel so crazy. I think when I'm back on a path I want to be on it may feel better. But I have to remember to like my life as it is - not as I wish it to be...I've fallen in that trap far too many times!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Decision Making, Part Deux
Here it is: I hate speech language pathology. I went to this program because it was the easiest way to go back to school without taking my GRE...I am learning, that the easiest is not always the best.
When one makes decisions about school...is it best to throw caution and student loans to the wind? When one thinks about a three year plan that seems like complete boredom, it is perhaps best to stop banging your head on the wall long enough to listen what it really is your soul wants from you.
That soul-filled voice crept in my head in the middle of washing the conditioner out of my hair this morning. I want to be a smarty-pants...the kind of smarty-pants that uses her talents for the good of the people. I'm not talking speech pathology, this stupidly obsessive path I've created as of late. I'm talking elbows deep in activism...shouting from the rooftops all the injustices; making plans to change the machine; filling the impressionable minds of young people with stories that inspire and create peaceful, sophisticated solutions to our problems.
Now off to search for jobs...or take some MORE time to grab a flashlight and search the cave of my soul once again! Ideas on whether I should stick the semester out people?
When one makes decisions about school...is it best to throw caution and student loans to the wind? When one thinks about a three year plan that seems like complete boredom, it is perhaps best to stop banging your head on the wall long enough to listen what it really is your soul wants from you.
That soul-filled voice crept in my head in the middle of washing the conditioner out of my hair this morning. I want to be a smarty-pants...the kind of smarty-pants that uses her talents for the good of the people. I'm not talking speech pathology, this stupidly obsessive path I've created as of late. I'm talking elbows deep in activism...shouting from the rooftops all the injustices; making plans to change the machine; filling the impressionable minds of young people with stories that inspire and create peaceful, sophisticated solutions to our problems.
Now off to search for jobs...or take some MORE time to grab a flashlight and search the cave of my soul once again! Ideas on whether I should stick the semester out people?
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
The key to Enlightenment is in my dryer
I have many blog posts swirling inside my brain. I'm going to start with this one, because if I don't start somewhere, I won't start...
I made an actual decision. I had access to (loaned) money, to my own research skills, to a pro/con list and a delightfully cute sounding board. I MADE my OWN decision. One that I will live with and be happy with (or not) and I'm incredibly proud of myself.
Sunday, ex decides he wants his washer and dryer back. I say, sure, whatever. Monday, I'm determined to get my own. My very own washer and dryer. Can we say adult? I hit the pavement first thing after class and discover that this is going to be at least a couple hundred dollars MORE than I was expecting. Deep breaths. Then, I meet M. in S*ars...she is a stellar saleswoman, and actually found me a dream mix-match set that I really love. It totals $900 without delivery, whips, vents, etc (this is starting to sound kinky...hehe). I tell her to hold them (thanks, J.V.) and go look at W*lson's. Here, I'm greeted by the service manager, J, who tries to up sell me, and I flat out refuse. I get a washer/dryer set for $600 and change. Including delivery. Not at all the set I dreamt of, but a set I can use and more important: I can afford.
The process of decision making has never been my strength. I'm the friend who says, "whatever you want," the girlfriend who "doesn't care. Really." But I do care, I do have wants and needs. I've put myself on the backburner long enough. I'm slowly realizing that taking care of myself doesn't mean pissing everyone around me off. It doesn't mean that everyone will hate me. This may start with a dryer...but it's going to be something really good...or at least fluffy and dry.
I made an actual decision. I had access to (loaned) money, to my own research skills, to a pro/con list and a delightfully cute sounding board. I MADE my OWN decision. One that I will live with and be happy with (or not) and I'm incredibly proud of myself.
Sunday, ex decides he wants his washer and dryer back. I say, sure, whatever. Monday, I'm determined to get my own. My very own washer and dryer. Can we say adult? I hit the pavement first thing after class and discover that this is going to be at least a couple hundred dollars MORE than I was expecting. Deep breaths. Then, I meet M. in S*ars...she is a stellar saleswoman, and actually found me a dream mix-match set that I really love. It totals $900 without delivery, whips, vents, etc (this is starting to sound kinky...hehe). I tell her to hold them (thanks, J.V.) and go look at W*lson's. Here, I'm greeted by the service manager, J, who tries to up sell me, and I flat out refuse. I get a washer/dryer set for $600 and change. Including delivery. Not at all the set I dreamt of, but a set I can use and more important: I can afford.
The process of decision making has never been my strength. I'm the friend who says, "whatever you want," the girlfriend who "doesn't care. Really." But I do care, I do have wants and needs. I've put myself on the backburner long enough. I'm slowly realizing that taking care of myself doesn't mean pissing everyone around me off. It doesn't mean that everyone will hate me. This may start with a dryer...but it's going to be something really good...or at least fluffy and dry.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
