I'm going off the rails...

I can't decide what I want to purge first: my emotions or my weight issues - when I was thinking about what to post, both of them popped into my head together - yet as separate posts. I think I'll combine them for a fun whirl-wind ride on my crazy train. I don't want this to become a blog dedicated to weight-loss (how my last one ended up), nor do I want this to become anything but healing for me...however, I think this post is going to have to come up sometime or another.

I have been dealing with this idea of weight loss (seriously) for the last 2 years. I couldn't have stayed with W*W* as long as I did without J. When I reached my lifetime goal, I was so excited. I was also terrified that I wouldn't stick with it - and I didn't. You know what? I'm STILL here! I'm STILL OK, I'm STILL me... I liked my weight then...I like it now too, for different reasons...It isn't even about the weight - 15 pounds. It's about how I feel (can I just say - my least favorite cliche ever?) This weight issue will never end - I just wish it wasn't so.much.work.

So what is it about? Glad you asked - Dealing with this life has been such a gift. So many lessons to learn, choices to make, etc...I've done things I didn't think I could do - over and over! Why do I consistently over-think things? Every time I make a "plan" the universe laughs at me...and tips me upside down again. So, I'm re-learning my thinking - I'll take a deep breath, make a plan, tear up the plan, and dive in where I need to go. That has worked wonders on the school thing, parenting, and the apartment. I need to practice a little harder at letting go on this relationship thing.

My plan:

• To stay single for the summer and itemize all the wonders that are me!
• To really look at why I want the people I want
• To let go - and dive in...

Brothers & Sisters

It's a tad f'ed up that my ex has now turned into my Bro...yet it works. We're even telling Mom on each other.

In brighter news: I'm travelling (as is the Bro, but separately) to said Mom's house to see Bug. I miss him terribly...like, I might actually go faster than the speed limit even though it's going to drain my gas like mad miss him!

Techno-love

Dating: When do you know you're ready to begin dating again? Is it when you realize you're waking up lonely? When you are horny? When you just need someone to laugh with during the funny part of W.eeds? Perhaps when you no longer wake up in agony over whether you made the right choice or not?

According to several friends and coworkers, doing it (finding someone) online no longer has all that social stigma attached to it as it once did. I'm not sure I buy into that - I think that people judge everyone. We judge where people get coffee, buy groceries, what they wear and how much they pay for gas: why wouldn't we judge where or how they met their partner? I will give the "pros" their props: Online dating is a streamlined, organized way of cutting to the chase. I've already fallen "madly in-love" with a few well written profiles. After perusing the personals at several sites, however - what are people thinking when they post some of these pictures? Example: one man posted a picture of him in his football gear. Wouldn't be so bad, if it weren't circa 1987!

I raise my glass to those who have found love on the web. I'm smitten by the ease (not expense, mind you - damn!) of it all, in the meantime, I'll keep lurking on those sites - until my gut tells me I'm finally ready.

Give me your hands, if we be friends

Midsummer Night's Dream...I woke up this morning, with new knowledge (thank you, books) of an old idea that if a woman were to wipe the dew of the Midsummer Day on her face, she will grow to be even more beautiful than the year before. I figured it can't hurt - I walked out my back door, down my steps. I tried to find a flower or a tree leaf with dew - no success. So I wiped my hands over the blades of grass and put them up to my face. When I looked around (to see if anyone was watching) I noticed, for the first time, how lucky I was to have this tiny patch of green space in the middle of my busy street. How quiet it was back here - with a shed and fences for privacy, a bird feeder from my old house, a space to grow things.

Midsummer doesn't represent the middle of summer to us, it's traditionally recognized as the middle of the growing season. How many things could I begin to grow here? Tomatoes, lettuce, cucumbers? A chance to create, to nurture a living thing into something better than it was and good for me! Too late for this year, perhaps, but already, I think that Midsummer dew is working...

Getting it all out my head

Turning the page, she reads old words - written in her own hand - but who is she now? Surely not the same woman she was then. Divorce is an ugly word - a long process, a deep division of things: possessions; emotions; memories. Yesterday, it would have been 6 years. I was so lonely last night - I created a bed partner - not of plastic - but out of the images in my head of years of wonderful lovers. I wanted a snuggle - canoodling, remember that?

Oh the choice I've made for my life. Such a divide - the right thing, with such harsh consequences. I do enjoy this new freedom...creating a dinner of cereal and J*nior M*nts; reading until my eyes are droopy at night; curling up with Bug whenever the mood strikes.

I am going to be fine.