To catch you up (in Bullets)

What I've done since I woke up:
* Showered, got ready and helped D get ready to leave by 7:45
* Dropped J. at the ferry
* Dropped D. at school
* Packed a kitchen box
* Did my dishes (which haven't been done since Saturday, possibly before then...it wasn't *that* bad, really)
* Cleaned out my freezer to make room for meat
* Went to the Chopper and got a cart of meat (using up the rest of the stamps)
* Came home and packed said meat in freezer bags and labeled - should be set for a few weeks. hopefully.
* Made plans with a friend for lunch. sweet.

In the bigger picture:
* Semester grades: ALL A's (cuz I'm a big nerd and I worked HARD)
* The house - we CLOSE tomorrow! (I'm so excited, this is great timing, y'all) I should totally write a post about how crazy I've been, but it's too embarrassing right now to go through all that baggage!
* The Wedding - found a great dress, but putting any planning off for a bit - trying to get through getting a job, the house, moving, etc first. sigh.
* The Job - almost there - just have to go through a background check. Successfully, I hope!
* The D. - I had the most fabulous day with him yesterday - we did the park, pl*yl*nd, lots of outdoor time, watched a dvd...just a wonderful day - I really enjoyed him so much!
*Odds and Ends - I'm freaking out about something pretty intense (which in years, hopefully won't feel as intense) but can't really talk about it here. Just really glad I have J. and a great support system to help me through it all! Oh - and YAYY for my mommy's great test results!

Even in the midst of chaos

I am two hours away from my final exam in Stats - which means, I've been figuring out what my lowest grade on my final could be and still pass with a B or better (answer: 60+). However, I need to take a break from all this chaos and send some shout outs -

Mother's Day has never ever been so glorious for me! I have had the pleasure of being the mom on mother's day for seven years - and this is the first time it's been planned! J put the smack down that we were to have lunch with my mom on Saturday down south. It was awesome to see my parents and so great that he encouraged this!

Sunday, operation "Yoda-Otis" went into high gear. My boyz made me breakfast in bed, complete with tv tray and 20 minutes of uninterrupted (mostly) reading. So nice! After that, we had a hunt for one of my gifts (a la D)...and we went to the living room to see my HUGE pile 'o presents. Seriously - it was so crazy! (In a good way) I got a candle, two frames for pieces of art my brother made in high school, a lovely paper teapot, M&M's, and the best present of all - someone who actually listened when I said I wanted something - J got me a gorgeous mother-son W*ll*w Tr** angel that made me cry. We went to lunch with J's mom and had a really great time, had tacos for dinner and it was such a great weekend!

I can't tell you how awesome it is - D had a blast with J (and their secret mission and love of ketchup) and I am so touched to have such a caring partner - he's amazing! Simply wonderful! So this is love....

I have excellent news dear anonymous inter-webber friends! In a magical, wonderful moment in my life...I was properly proposed to! Here's the longer version:

Justin picks me up and we drive down to Jay, for a show that his folk band, Town* M**ting is playing. We arrive late, per usual, and he does his sound check. I visit with his mom and auntie and sound check ends. Justin bums some tissue from his mom (weird, but he's been sick, so I think whatever) and he asks if I'll go for a walk with him down to the covered bridge. I say sure (keeping my eyes at their proper angles, since we all know how active I enjoy being) We begin our trek down the hill (mind you, I'm wearing some well-heeled shoes and begin to complain about my calves hurting). I look up - and I pronounce the area around us beautiful - and Justin, being amazing, says, "I made it for you." (Then we start this interesting discussion on God and something about a news story about alternate solar systems where an Earth-like planet was found - we totally rock, don't we?!) I can't remember if this was before or after, so I throw it in now - Justin says this area is Thalia-ville... pretty sweet, right? You know, me being "Thalia" and all?

Ahem, so yes, we get down to the bridge and we are remarking at the beauty and the raging river below. We cross the bridge, with sunlight streaming through each crack in the beams. We get to the other side, talk a bit about his parents taking him swimming there when he was younger. I get bored after a bit. Yes. me...I know - aren't you amazed? ha! So I ask if we can go back. We begin to head back across the bridge and he holds my hand. He gently pulls and asks me to stop with my face in the sunlight. I oblige. He begins these calculations: 8 months ago we were driving back from Portland...I was sun poisoned, falling in love with him; 17 months from now is September 24, 2010...(at this point I'm all like wtf - yes, we've talked about *that* day for many moons already!) I don't even remember the exact words after this (guest post open for you Justin, interested?) I see him pull a ring box out of his pocket. I see him get down on one knee and I think I hear him ask me to marry him.

And in my head I'm thinking...really? Me? Oh of course me...of course you. Yes! Yes! Then I hear myself say yes and I begin to thank him (I never claimed to be sane or of normal self-confidence - we all know this already, right?) I thank him for asking me to marry him. Because he's the most amazing man I've ever known. Because my heart was his pretty much from the first time I saw him with Drew. I'm his because I've never fit better with any other human being on this planet - my spirit, my body, my mind...all so, so SO connected with his.

I'm worried about dropping the ring. We go and sit on the bench and I'm constantly hugging him and completely perplexed that someone this awesome just asked if I would like to spend the rest of my life with them! He tells me about the ring (in his lovely, exact manner...with no detail left out) and what makes me cry? His reasoning for a three-stone setting...they represent to him: me, him and Drew. And I immediately tear up - because this generous heart that wants me is so wonderful and I'm so lucky. We spend a few more minutes talking - he tells me that he's been fibbing to me - that my parents were up in town and that he asked for their blessing (yes!) and I think that is the sweetest thing ever. We walk back up the hill (with a bit less complaining from me - I think I may have been floating).

When we walk into the hall, I walk over to his mom and I smile and show her my newly decorated hand. She cries. This makes me very happy - I am very lucky indeed! Justin's aunt cries, everyone in the band is so excited for us... we take a couple pictures...I get to see my parents. It was wonderful - the whole night: listening to the show; meeting people I hadn't met; sitting with my parents and sharing how genuinely happy I am; a wonderful dixie-cup Champagne toast; and all the time amazed at this man who is totally in love with me. It's awesome. Truly.

Justin and I told Drew on Sunday (two days later) by explaining the ring was a symbol. I can't help but wonder what is really going on in that brain of his, but I'm happy that he seems very cool about it. He loves Justin, I'm just not sure he understands the concept yet. He'll get it. We'll get it - as a family. Sharing the news with family and friends over text messages and phone calls, hearing their joy at our happiness - it's just been wonderful.

I feel so calm, so sure about this. I can't wait for my ring to be out of the shop and back where it belongs.

Turn around, look back, breathe.

I've been here so many times before. The point at which all is so overwhelming I'm not sure I can take another step forward. But somehow, I do. I just have to remember that. It's been this bad before, it's been worse, it'll be this bad again.

Money, school, the house, the issues...it'll get better. Or worse. Nothing stays the same. I'll make it through. I just have to hold on to that. Separate what's real and what's not. What I can do and what I can't. And Breathe.

Spring Break - Whoo-hoo!*

Finally. A break. No vacation as in going anywhere warm, but it's nice to not have to do the usual Monday through Friday grind. Somehow it worked out that I'm actually sans the Bug until Friday. We had a really good weekend together, so it's nice I get some time for me-stuff.

Saturday we went to my Mom's, who hosted a wonderful concert (J-Money's folk band with his Dad, uncle, etc...) and had a great dinner. Church was good - my mom recycled a sermon she had heard earlier in the week. Here's what I got out of it - that I've been wandering the last few weeks. I need to regain focus on myself - not school, not my boyz, not the house situation (we go to the bank today), not the what ifs, the shouldas, couldas or wouldas. I need to remember my strengths hold them tightly to me. I need to focus on how amazing I am (are you sick of hearing this o dear internet?) and how many wonderful things I've done...and how far I've come. I do that - the rest comes into place!

I've had a bit of an issue with the Green Monster lately. I have such a vivid imagination and such a wacked out thought process, it's really hard for me to not take an idea (even a joke) and run to the next town with it. I'm seriously considering the basis for this jealousy. I never ever thought I was a truly jealous person - and I'm not even jealous over things that are even worth being jealous about. I'm jealous over stupid things...that my mind molds into this twisted spiral of mind-crushing suckiness. It's really sad.

I'm also wondering if some good ol' behavior mod might be in order for me. Some good mindfulness never hurt anyone, right? I sometimes feel myself slip back into these really dark places for a moment. I suppose I never really felt amazing on sexi-lexi, but I think it buffered those creepy corners. Wow, this post is getting a touch heavy, even for me. These crappy feelings never last long - but they leave me in this fog - of moodiness. It's been known to ruin a perfectly good dinner a time or two.

Let's see - something to leave you happy and satiated with goodness:

My to-do list for vacation?

*Cut out fabric for a boxer lap quilt - a lap quilt made of boxers, not for a boxer (human or canine)
*Finish my handwarmers
*Rest - didn't get off to a good start in that department
*Read my book for Bookclub (Friday)

I'm going to stay at four - I'm pretty sure I'll be lucky if I get those done - especially with a Lazy Tuesday coming my way. I'll be sure to post at some point to keep you updated with the magic of home lending!


*Post Title: Justin had this great idea - to tell all of you not to flash your girly bits. I think that's good advice for any time of year. Mostly.

A roof over OUR heads

We're looking. Seriously looking to buy. A house. For reals! I cannot tell you how thrilling this is - in a crazy scary awesome kinda way! I'm nervous about the bank process, but I'm crossing my fingers and being as cheerfully optimistic as I can.

This is so F^&*% cool! Off to continuing searching the listings (so grown-up)!

He's TOTALLY into me

I just finished reading this for book club. Yes. Really. None of us were quite in the mood a couple months ago for something incredibly deep. That, and we really wanted to watch the movie and compare. So here I go...

I'm going to start with the movie - it was kitchy. I laughed, some; I groaned, a lot (nothing worse than seeing larger than life images of things you've done in [or trying to be in] relationships that seem horrible to you now - but you know that you've done worse). The cast was all fine, the plot not to deep - it was actually a pretty fun outing with the girls. I digress...

This book. It's not really for those looking for an amazing read - it's a workbook. I said so many times while reading it, I wish someone had handed me this at 15, but honestly, I wasn't ready to read it then. I still believed I could "fix" them all. In my almost 30 years, I've learned a LOT about who I am and what I deserve as that fine, smart, sassy woman. I've been through some pretty rocky roads, mostly trying to fix other people or make them like me more, or just plain put up with crap because I was too scared to be alone or they were (fill in the blank with something that is just not worth the energy). That's the point of this book - to pull women's heads out of their asses and show them what they deserve - because in the end, profound, meaningful love is SO much better.

And I know...I found it! The rest of this post is dedicated to gushing about the most amazing guy ever. If you aren't in for a saccharine-y sweet love post...stop reading now (you've been warned).

He's it. "The one"...the partner that every person wishes they had and feels they deserve. He puts the action into love, he doesn't just say it. God, that sounds so cliche. But if I could try and flip open my head while I was reading this book. The book that said, "don't waste the pretty" it would be like seeing my current relationship in it's amazing, ethereal light. Even during my overly predictable (and the occasional surprise) backslides of confidence, he patiently reassures me of how great I am. Because I am. I'm great. But I'm not just great alone - I'm great with him. Not in a "you complete me" kinda crap; in that wow - what was I thinking that life was ever so great before? NOW I know how it feels to be in love, to be respected, to really want to commit myself to someone for the REST of my life. It's astonishing, remarkable, refreshing, and most of all - it's so deep and energizing...and at the same time it also gives me this amazing sense of calm. Calm that I can (eventually) accomplish what needs to be done. Calm that no matter what - I have a true partner in crime. Calm that at the spur of the moment, we can disagree and still be madly in love.

I'm not a dope. I'm definitely not naive. If anything, I was jaded by years of hurt, years of letting myself settle for whatever came my way. No more. You've ruined me forever, J. I'm yours.

One thing at a time, is there really time for that?

Sigh. Here she is - the do-to list:

* School - do PSC study guide and actually...study; History stuff - come up with term paper idea (help?) and study for exam - same day as PSC; math-keep plugging along

* Home - clean - clean - clean

* Misc but not forgotten - love my boyz, get veggies for book club - oh and finish the book, fill out tremendous amount of paperwork you should have done three weeks ago, keep journal for WW - only a few more weeks till we hit 10!, BREATH

Oh and somewhere in here...I somehow just decided it was really important to paint my nails, while a paper was printing. The shiny Aubergine makes me smile - so I guess that's something!

It's been a while...

Here are the scarves I made for my Book Club Chicas. They were so easy and very well received!

It's funny that it's been so long since I've posted - I can't remember what I've been doing with my time? Oh. Right. School.

I had a pity-party moment yesterday afternoon about how hard school was, how much work I was putting in. Blah, Blah, Blah....Then I decided to check the want ads....Suddenly, I LOVE being in school! Doesn't take much for me to be reminded about all I have to be grateful for! I'm blessed with a wonderful family (especially J, the Bug, my parents...); I have good health (even with the Bruxism - google it - it's funny); and I'm warm and well fed (thanks dept of agr.)!

Statistics like you wouldn't believe...

This is not my usual soap-box post. The title is for real - I'm taking statistics. Online. Yeah, you heard right. Online. Crazy for me to think that a class I got a C+ in (because I never went) I could get a B or better in (here's hoping for an A, for real) just by going to class in my bedroom.

Amazing how technology helped me in a way I never knew - it's given me the wonderful "R" word - regret - that I didn't just do this right the first time.

Oh well...

Random Bullets

*Down 6.2 pounds. It's a pretty good start for my first week and a half.

*Working on back-to-school stuff...it's exciting, mostly.

*Sleeping till one for the last weekday until spring break.

*Working on scarves (picture post soon), and reading books right and left.

*Soooo excited about our new prez and the work he's already doing and hope for the future.

*Going out with J tonight - kinda like a date...I'm claiming it as a date.

*Working on a post about my issue with hearing things I don't want to hear.

ON again off again

I'm back on the WW wagon. I went to a meeting with ww J last week and discovered I'm six pounds away from where I started the first time! (At least it's six pounds less) I can't believe I did this again - I can believe it - I don't think when I start gorging...I just shovel and shovel and shovel. This time it was cookies; I ate (without exaggeration) three dozen cookies in two days. Five dozen in the course of a week. I have a cookie issue. I also have a food wasting issue. I shoved a stale cookie in my mouth and after chewing most of it - spit it into the garbage - I realized it was gross, and sending it off to Africa to feed a child isn't the answer here.

I'm examining my food issue (again)...this time I want to look at waste. My guilt over "wasting" food. I have some help on the wagon this time - J (and ww J- confusing?) are my life lines to sanity.

This is only day three. I can climb back down this hill.

Static

My to-do list and time are not coordinating very well. I have a lot I've already accomplished, thanks in part to some great team work. However, I feel like when I finish one project there are three more waiting at its end.

I've got all these ideas for crafty little projects. I'm hoping I'll actually do them, take pictures and post. Hope...

Off to sort through six months of accumulated junk toys, bag them up before the Bug sees them and haul them off to donate.

I miss you. I hope you know that.