Phone call

On my way to the movies (St*pbrothers, funny if you like that kind of humor. I do!) I call Drew, who is at my mom's for the week (SWEET!). The first thing he says when he gets to the phone is this:

"Mom, guess what? (what?) Grammy and Poppa aren't divorced like you are."

I think if it weren't so darn cute, I'd probably feel bad. See, my Dad just got appointed to two new churches, so he lives in a separate parsonage from my Mom for half the week. Dad was coming over for dinner (which is something K and I do fairly regularly to keep the peace)...Bug asked my Mom if Poppa was staying and when she said no, he asked her if they were divorced.

I love the way Bug is starting to check out the connections around him.I didn't wish he knew about divorce before he was 5, but this was the right choice for us. I think gentle honesty is working out just fine for our family, however screwed up we may be!

The cryptic post (in case you thought I was sane)

I have too much in my head right now to form complete thoughts. I need to find true north and start walking...so much change is going on. I'm figuring out more about myself during each transition, but my head feels like it's going to implode soon...

I can't imagine what I was like a few years ago, why all of these questions are popping up now. What or why caused the addictions I have...more soul searching...and finding some time to do that.

Sorry, body. Sorry, mind. I'll do my best to protect you better...

The Mommy Files

My brother's wedding was over a month ago. I am posting this picture so I can vent about being a Mommy, a single one at that. A precursor to this rant is that yes, I know I am blessed to have a wonderful, beautiful, mostly happy little boy. Yes, I know I'm blessed to have an ex-husband that for the most part understands and supports me as a parent. Yes, I know I only have ONE child...but here I go:

The Bug...is oh-so-whiny. Whyyyyyyyyy? I wannnnnnnnt that!!!! It seems every other sentence out of his mouth is a whiny complaint or command or demand. I've tried being extra happy and making things into a game. I've tried to threaten time outs (and followed through). And even though I promised myself I never-ever would - I've spanked his little behind (which, FYI really only leads to more and louder whining and crying). Now, this little guy has been through more than most 5 year olds: his parents split up before Christmas; first his Dad got a new place; he's out of a structured daycare/preschool setting; and now I have a new place.

I understand his world has been flipped upside down and back again. So has mine - and I don't whine (ok, I realize I'm kind of whining now...suck it up, you chose to read this). I always thought as a parent I would develop a close relationship with my child. I would be the one they want to share things with and talk to. It seems the Bug has other plans. Plans that include the computer and DVD's...and when he doesn't get access to those, he whines...and I've created this. Crap! I'm trying to make an effort to be more involved - but then that incessant whining starts and I want to crawl under the covers and sleep for days.

Perhaps this all seems overwhelming because I'm with him so.damn.much! I decided to avoid daycare costs I would take him to work and also work from home. I thought this would be such a fabulous idea - and honestly, 80% of the time it really is. It's just when I hear that certain decibel my skin crawls.

Then, in the morning I wake up to see his still warm body snoozing away (yes, next to me, because I suck as a parent and he likes to sleep with me) and I remember when he was little and how I thought I would never get any sleep. I remember when he learned to crawl and walk and I thought he'd never stay in one place again (I'm kinda right on this one). I remember when he was potty training and I thought he'd never make it. And so I have to think - this whining won't last forever - some day, this clingy boy will grow to be a teenager - who wants little to do with his bad ass Mama.

Right now, that sounds delightful.

I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair...

So who knew Rodgers and Hammerstein had some good advice:

If a man don't understand you
If you fly on separate beams
Waste no time, make a change
Ride that man right off your range
Rub him out of the roll call
And drum him out of your dreams

I don't really want to blog about the exact details - let's just say, I'm older and wiser. I'm done wasting my time on hopeless causes. Oh, and what is it about men with dead mothers (RIP) being drawn to me - am I that good a Mommie? God help me!

I'm looking forward to all the excitment I never knew dating brings. Even with the drama, it's nice not to dive head first without looking to see if there is water filling the pool.

I'm going off the rails...

I can't decide what I want to purge first: my emotions or my weight issues - when I was thinking about what to post, both of them popped into my head together - yet as separate posts. I think I'll combine them for a fun whirl-wind ride on my crazy train. I don't want this to become a blog dedicated to weight-loss (how my last one ended up), nor do I want this to become anything but healing for me...however, I think this post is going to have to come up sometime or another.

I have been dealing with this idea of weight loss (seriously) for the last 2 years. I couldn't have stayed with W*W* as long as I did without J. When I reached my lifetime goal, I was so excited. I was also terrified that I wouldn't stick with it - and I didn't. You know what? I'm STILL here! I'm STILL OK, I'm STILL me... I liked my weight then...I like it now too, for different reasons...It isn't even about the weight - 15 pounds. It's about how I feel (can I just say - my least favorite cliche ever?) This weight issue will never end - I just wish it wasn't so.much.work.

So what is it about? Glad you asked - Dealing with this life has been such a gift. So many lessons to learn, choices to make, etc...I've done things I didn't think I could do - over and over! Why do I consistently over-think things? Every time I make a "plan" the universe laughs at me...and tips me upside down again. So, I'm re-learning my thinking - I'll take a deep breath, make a plan, tear up the plan, and dive in where I need to go. That has worked wonders on the school thing, parenting, and the apartment. I need to practice a little harder at letting go on this relationship thing.

My plan:

• To stay single for the summer and itemize all the wonders that are me!
• To really look at why I want the people I want
• To let go - and dive in...

Brothers & Sisters

It's a tad f'ed up that my ex has now turned into my Bro...yet it works. We're even telling Mom on each other.

In brighter news: I'm travelling (as is the Bro, but separately) to said Mom's house to see Bug. I miss him terribly...like, I might actually go faster than the speed limit even though it's going to drain my gas like mad miss him!

Techno-love

Dating: When do you know you're ready to begin dating again? Is it when you realize you're waking up lonely? When you are horny? When you just need someone to laugh with during the funny part of W.eeds? Perhaps when you no longer wake up in agony over whether you made the right choice or not?

According to several friends and coworkers, doing it (finding someone) online no longer has all that social stigma attached to it as it once did. I'm not sure I buy into that - I think that people judge everyone. We judge where people get coffee, buy groceries, what they wear and how much they pay for gas: why wouldn't we judge where or how they met their partner? I will give the "pros" their props: Online dating is a streamlined, organized way of cutting to the chase. I've already fallen "madly in-love" with a few well written profiles. After perusing the personals at several sites, however - what are people thinking when they post some of these pictures? Example: one man posted a picture of him in his football gear. Wouldn't be so bad, if it weren't circa 1987!

I raise my glass to those who have found love on the web. I'm smitten by the ease (not expense, mind you - damn!) of it all, in the meantime, I'll keep lurking on those sites - until my gut tells me I'm finally ready.