Turn around, look back, breathe.

I've been here so many times before. The point at which all is so overwhelming I'm not sure I can take another step forward. But somehow, I do. I just have to remember that. It's been this bad before, it's been worse, it'll be this bad again.

Money, school, the house, the issues...it'll get better. Or worse. Nothing stays the same. I'll make it through. I just have to hold on to that. Separate what's real and what's not. What I can do and what I can't. And Breathe.

Statistics like you wouldn't believe...

This is not my usual soap-box post. The title is for real - I'm taking statistics. Online. Yeah, you heard right. Online. Crazy for me to think that a class I got a C+ in (because I never went) I could get a B or better in (here's hoping for an A, for real) just by going to class in my bedroom.

Amazing how technology helped me in a way I never knew - it's given me the wonderful "R" word - regret - that I didn't just do this right the first time.

Oh well...

Jobs...

I wish I had one - really - I feel so helpless. It's hard to put faith in something when I keep getting my hopes up then let down. At least I'm not interviewing - at all. UGH!!!!

In brighter news - It's my last week of classes. Sweet.

Cheers and Jeers

I've been failing miserably at posting in any sort of regular pattern. I'm on the hunt for a job, fighting colds, being a good mommy, and a friend to those in need.

Here are my thoughts:
Yay Obama! Boo to the ecomony! Yay for silly movies that give me a mid-week break (and a hot date!) Boo for job hunting - alongside the countless others that have currently lost their jobs! Yay for only a few weeks left in the semester! Boo to losing my health insurance at the end of said semester!

Lots more dishes to do...and I'm still a week behind on reading my essays...

A bad pun, food and love...

The list of things I've yet to do is so long, I thought I'd make a list of things that are done:

1) Had a wonderful "ketchup" breakfast with friends (get it? ketchup/catch-up? ha!)
2) Found more of our Halloween costumes (I cannot wait to post the pics after my Bros party!)
3) Said goodbye for two days to the most wonderful man I've ever been in-love with and got incredibly choked up...between the teary good-bye and thinking about the beach ball kiss, it's amazing how deep my feelings run!
4) Made cookies with Bug - this was interesting...short cuts all over the place. Making cookies with a 5 year old, one needs to lower their expectations of uniformity, especially on frosted sugar cookies with sprinkles. However, I taught him the valuable lesson of never returning a plate to a neighbor empty!
5) A shopping trip to M*chael's - new scissors, yarn, needles, and a nice time with the Bug. He even earned a trip to go look at the critters next door!
6) An Irish Cream coffee from a local shop where Justin will be playing Saturday.

And now...on to watch M*nster's Inc with the Bug, a tickle shower, a few great stories and a teary phone call to end my weekend.

PS - Someday seems really far away today - but I still have faith. A lot of faith!

Index Card Hell

This is where I'm currently residing. I never studied this much in undergrad before (to put it bluntly, my brilliance and talent at bullshit always carried me through!), but this stuff is hard. Harder by the quiz, exam, midterm...

Back to the piles...I wish I were working. Even brain-numbing monotony would be welcome at this point.

The cryptic post (in case you thought I was sane)

I have too much in my head right now to form complete thoughts. I need to find true north and start walking...so much change is going on. I'm figuring out more about myself during each transition, but my head feels like it's going to implode soon...

I can't imagine what I was like a few years ago, why all of these questions are popping up now. What or why caused the addictions I have...more soul searching...and finding some time to do that.

Sorry, body. Sorry, mind. I'll do my best to protect you better...

The Mommy Files

My brother's wedding was over a month ago. I am posting this picture so I can vent about being a Mommy, a single one at that. A precursor to this rant is that yes, I know I am blessed to have a wonderful, beautiful, mostly happy little boy. Yes, I know I'm blessed to have an ex-husband that for the most part understands and supports me as a parent. Yes, I know I only have ONE child...but here I go:

The Bug...is oh-so-whiny. Whyyyyyyyyy? I wannnnnnnnt that!!!! It seems every other sentence out of his mouth is a whiny complaint or command or demand. I've tried being extra happy and making things into a game. I've tried to threaten time outs (and followed through). And even though I promised myself I never-ever would - I've spanked his little behind (which, FYI really only leads to more and louder whining and crying). Now, this little guy has been through more than most 5 year olds: his parents split up before Christmas; first his Dad got a new place; he's out of a structured daycare/preschool setting; and now I have a new place.

I understand his world has been flipped upside down and back again. So has mine - and I don't whine (ok, I realize I'm kind of whining now...suck it up, you chose to read this). I always thought as a parent I would develop a close relationship with my child. I would be the one they want to share things with and talk to. It seems the Bug has other plans. Plans that include the computer and DVD's...and when he doesn't get access to those, he whines...and I've created this. Crap! I'm trying to make an effort to be more involved - but then that incessant whining starts and I want to crawl under the covers and sleep for days.

Perhaps this all seems overwhelming because I'm with him so.damn.much! I decided to avoid daycare costs I would take him to work and also work from home. I thought this would be such a fabulous idea - and honestly, 80% of the time it really is. It's just when I hear that certain decibel my skin crawls.

Then, in the morning I wake up to see his still warm body snoozing away (yes, next to me, because I suck as a parent and he likes to sleep with me) and I remember when he was little and how I thought I would never get any sleep. I remember when he learned to crawl and walk and I thought he'd never stay in one place again (I'm kinda right on this one). I remember when he was potty training and I thought he'd never make it. And so I have to think - this whining won't last forever - some day, this clingy boy will grow to be a teenager - who wants little to do with his bad ass Mama.

Right now, that sounds delightful.