One thing at a time, is there really time for that?

Sigh. Here she is - the do-to list:

* School - do PSC study guide and actually...study; History stuff - come up with term paper idea (help?) and study for exam - same day as PSC; math-keep plugging along

* Home - clean - clean - clean

* Misc but not forgotten - love my boyz, get veggies for book club - oh and finish the book, fill out tremendous amount of paperwork you should have done three weeks ago, keep journal for WW - only a few more weeks till we hit 10!, BREATH

Oh and somewhere in here...I somehow just decided it was really important to paint my nails, while a paper was printing. The shiny Aubergine makes me smile - so I guess that's something!

It's been a while...

Here are the scarves I made for my Book Club Chicas. They were so easy and very well received!

It's funny that it's been so long since I've posted - I can't remember what I've been doing with my time? Oh. Right. School.

I had a pity-party moment yesterday afternoon about how hard school was, how much work I was putting in. Blah, Blah, Blah....Then I decided to check the want ads....Suddenly, I LOVE being in school! Doesn't take much for me to be reminded about all I have to be grateful for! I'm blessed with a wonderful family (especially J, the Bug, my parents...); I have good health (even with the Bruxism - google it - it's funny); and I'm warm and well fed (thanks dept of agr.)!

Statistics like you wouldn't believe...

This is not my usual soap-box post. The title is for real - I'm taking statistics. Online. Yeah, you heard right. Online. Crazy for me to think that a class I got a C+ in (because I never went) I could get a B or better in (here's hoping for an A, for real) just by going to class in my bedroom.

Amazing how technology helped me in a way I never knew - it's given me the wonderful "R" word - regret - that I didn't just do this right the first time.

Oh well...

A long time coming

So much has happened that I really should’ve been better at recording on this blog. So much with D, J, my family, and mostly me.

I’ve been so confused about life that I’ve started doubting my ability to make decisions. Which is silly. Only I know what it is that I want. It’s been nice having a good sounding board - however horribly I’ve treated him. It’s easy to get frustrated when things aren’t easy. And combine that with a long (enough) distance relationship and shit goes south sometimes.

This issue with school has been frustrating. However much I want to say I didn’t like it, if I could be in school the rest of my life, I would. I did pretty well, even if I didn’t put in as much effort as I should’ve. So I had this big epiphany - perhaps me not finding a job is happening for a reason.
Drum roll please...

I’m supposed to be back in school. I’m researching all I can about going back to school to become a teacher. A teacher of what you ask? Good question. I’m still debating K-6, or Health Education...am I settling for one? Should I (is it possible) to do both? How long will this take? How will I get through this with D., with J., with my life in general. I need to get a job to support myself in the short term. As much as I hate this - I think I have to do retail (gag, puke, choke) or something mindless to work around school.

In the meantime...I’m finding my way out of this black hole I’ve created. I’ll get there. Someday. What a journey. I have to remember Rome wasn’t built in a day. I need to remember that even though I didn’t go A to B...that I had fun and I learned lessons and I’ve loved and lost and triumphed. Life shouldn’t scare you - it should excite you. In the end I’ll make the right decision - for me, for my son, for my family.

Jobs...

I wish I had one - really - I feel so helpless. It's hard to put faith in something when I keep getting my hopes up then let down. At least I'm not interviewing - at all. UGH!!!!

In brighter news - It's my last week of classes. Sweet.

Index Card Hell

This is where I'm currently residing. I never studied this much in undergrad before (to put it bluntly, my brilliance and talent at bullshit always carried me through!), but this stuff is hard. Harder by the quiz, exam, midterm...

Back to the piles...I wish I were working. Even brain-numbing monotony would be welcome at this point.

Tests

This morning I got a text from J. ("...have you purchased your study guide yet?") Alas, my laziness is getting the better of this pipe dream to complete grad school some decade in the near future! The answer to that question was a "no, but..." my favorite of all replies!

Guess what came in the mail today? A lovely company sponsored GR* CD study guide! It apparently comes free with your astronomical registration fee. It's still in it's shrink wrap mocking me as I post this, but it's in my possession.

I'm thinking about all this prep work for something I don't really know how it will all come to be. I suppose this is where the concept of faith - in oneself and in others comes into play. How does anyone get an advanced degree with a child to raise. By anyone, I mean a Mom. Yes, I have a pretty nifty support system near and far, but in the end - it's my ass that's responsible for pick-ups and drop-offs. It's me that has to listen to endless questions about the latest in high tech alien cartoons. And it's me that feels eternally guilty I'm making all the wrong choices about every.single.decision in his life. He does have a dad, right? Why do I feel so burdened? Is this self-imposed? I just wish it didn't feel so crazy. I think when I'm back on a path I want to be on it may feel better. But I have to remember to like my life as it is - not as I wish it to be...I've fallen in that trap far too many times!

Decision Making, Part Deux

Here it is: I hate speech language pathology. I went to this program because it was the easiest way to go back to school without taking my GRE...I am learning, that the easiest is not always the best.

When one makes decisions about school...is it best to throw caution and student loans to the wind? When one thinks about a three year plan that seems like complete boredom, it is perhaps best to stop banging your head on the wall long enough to listen what it really is your soul wants from you.

That soul-filled voice crept in my head in the middle of washing the conditioner out of my hair this morning. I want to be a smarty-pants...the kind of smarty-pants that uses her talents for the good of the people. I'm not talking speech pathology, this stupidly obsessive path I've created as of late. I'm talking elbows deep in activism...shouting from the rooftops all the injustices; making plans to change the machine; filling the impressionable minds of young people with stories that inspire and create peaceful, sophisticated solutions to our problems.

Now off to search for jobs...or take some MORE time to grab a flashlight and search the cave of my soul once again! Ideas on whether I should stick the semester out people?