Turn around, look back, breathe.

I've been here so many times before. The point at which all is so overwhelming I'm not sure I can take another step forward. But somehow, I do. I just have to remember that. It's been this bad before, it's been worse, it'll be this bad again.

Money, school, the house, the issues...it'll get better. Or worse. Nothing stays the same. I'll make it through. I just have to hold on to that. Separate what's real and what's not. What I can do and what I can't. And Breathe.

Spring Break - Whoo-hoo!*

Finally. A break. No vacation as in going anywhere warm, but it's nice to not have to do the usual Monday through Friday grind. Somehow it worked out that I'm actually sans the Bug until Friday. We had a really good weekend together, so it's nice I get some time for me-stuff.

Saturday we went to my Mom's, who hosted a wonderful concert (J-Money's folk band with his Dad, uncle, etc...) and had a great dinner. Church was good - my mom recycled a sermon she had heard earlier in the week. Here's what I got out of it - that I've been wandering the last few weeks. I need to regain focus on myself - not school, not my boyz, not the house situation (we go to the bank today), not the what ifs, the shouldas, couldas or wouldas. I need to remember my strengths hold them tightly to me. I need to focus on how amazing I am (are you sick of hearing this o dear internet?) and how many wonderful things I've done...and how far I've come. I do that - the rest comes into place!

I've had a bit of an issue with the Green Monster lately. I have such a vivid imagination and such a wacked out thought process, it's really hard for me to not take an idea (even a joke) and run to the next town with it. I'm seriously considering the basis for this jealousy. I never ever thought I was a truly jealous person - and I'm not even jealous over things that are even worth being jealous about. I'm jealous over stupid things...that my mind molds into this twisted spiral of mind-crushing suckiness. It's really sad.

I'm also wondering if some good ol' behavior mod might be in order for me. Some good mindfulness never hurt anyone, right? I sometimes feel myself slip back into these really dark places for a moment. I suppose I never really felt amazing on sexi-lexi, but I think it buffered those creepy corners. Wow, this post is getting a touch heavy, even for me. These crappy feelings never last long - but they leave me in this fog - of moodiness. It's been known to ruin a perfectly good dinner a time or two.

Let's see - something to leave you happy and satiated with goodness:

My to-do list for vacation?

*Cut out fabric for a boxer lap quilt - a lap quilt made of boxers, not for a boxer (human or canine)
*Finish my handwarmers
*Rest - didn't get off to a good start in that department
*Read my book for Bookclub (Friday)

I'm going to stay at four - I'm pretty sure I'll be lucky if I get those done - especially with a Lazy Tuesday coming my way. I'll be sure to post at some point to keep you updated with the magic of home lending!


*Post Title: Justin had this great idea - to tell all of you not to flash your girly bits. I think that's good advice for any time of year. Mostly.

A roof over OUR heads

We're looking. Seriously looking to buy. A house. For reals! I cannot tell you how thrilling this is - in a crazy scary awesome kinda way! I'm nervous about the bank process, but I'm crossing my fingers and being as cheerfully optimistic as I can.

This is so F^&*% cool! Off to continuing searching the listings (so grown-up)!

He's TOTALLY into me

I just finished reading this for book club. Yes. Really. None of us were quite in the mood a couple months ago for something incredibly deep. That, and we really wanted to watch the movie and compare. So here I go...

I'm going to start with the movie - it was kitchy. I laughed, some; I groaned, a lot (nothing worse than seeing larger than life images of things you've done in [or trying to be in] relationships that seem horrible to you now - but you know that you've done worse). The cast was all fine, the plot not to deep - it was actually a pretty fun outing with the girls. I digress...

This book. It's not really for those looking for an amazing read - it's a workbook. I said so many times while reading it, I wish someone had handed me this at 15, but honestly, I wasn't ready to read it then. I still believed I could "fix" them all. In my almost 30 years, I've learned a LOT about who I am and what I deserve as that fine, smart, sassy woman. I've been through some pretty rocky roads, mostly trying to fix other people or make them like me more, or just plain put up with crap because I was too scared to be alone or they were (fill in the blank with something that is just not worth the energy). That's the point of this book - to pull women's heads out of their asses and show them what they deserve - because in the end, profound, meaningful love is SO much better.

And I know...I found it! The rest of this post is dedicated to gushing about the most amazing guy ever. If you aren't in for a saccharine-y sweet love post...stop reading now (you've been warned).

He's it. "The one"...the partner that every person wishes they had and feels they deserve. He puts the action into love, he doesn't just say it. God, that sounds so cliche. But if I could try and flip open my head while I was reading this book. The book that said, "don't waste the pretty" it would be like seeing my current relationship in it's amazing, ethereal light. Even during my overly predictable (and the occasional surprise) backslides of confidence, he patiently reassures me of how great I am. Because I am. I'm great. But I'm not just great alone - I'm great with him. Not in a "you complete me" kinda crap; in that wow - what was I thinking that life was ever so great before? NOW I know how it feels to be in love, to be respected, to really want to commit myself to someone for the REST of my life. It's astonishing, remarkable, refreshing, and most of all - it's so deep and energizing...and at the same time it also gives me this amazing sense of calm. Calm that I can (eventually) accomplish what needs to be done. Calm that no matter what - I have a true partner in crime. Calm that at the spur of the moment, we can disagree and still be madly in love.

I'm not a dope. I'm definitely not naive. If anything, I was jaded by years of hurt, years of letting myself settle for whatever came my way. No more. You've ruined me forever, J. I'm yours.

One thing at a time, is there really time for that?

Sigh. Here she is - the do-to list:

* School - do PSC study guide and actually...study; History stuff - come up with term paper idea (help?) and study for exam - same day as PSC; math-keep plugging along

* Home - clean - clean - clean

* Misc but not forgotten - love my boyz, get veggies for book club - oh and finish the book, fill out tremendous amount of paperwork you should have done three weeks ago, keep journal for WW - only a few more weeks till we hit 10!, BREATH

Oh and somewhere in here...I somehow just decided it was really important to paint my nails, while a paper was printing. The shiny Aubergine makes me smile - so I guess that's something!

It's been a while...

Here are the scarves I made for my Book Club Chicas. They were so easy and very well received!

It's funny that it's been so long since I've posted - I can't remember what I've been doing with my time? Oh. Right. School.

I had a pity-party moment yesterday afternoon about how hard school was, how much work I was putting in. Blah, Blah, Blah....Then I decided to check the want ads....Suddenly, I LOVE being in school! Doesn't take much for me to be reminded about all I have to be grateful for! I'm blessed with a wonderful family (especially J, the Bug, my parents...); I have good health (even with the Bruxism - google it - it's funny); and I'm warm and well fed (thanks dept of agr.)!

Statistics like you wouldn't believe...

This is not my usual soap-box post. The title is for real - I'm taking statistics. Online. Yeah, you heard right. Online. Crazy for me to think that a class I got a C+ in (because I never went) I could get a B or better in (here's hoping for an A, for real) just by going to class in my bedroom.

Amazing how technology helped me in a way I never knew - it's given me the wonderful "R" word - regret - that I didn't just do this right the first time.

Oh well...